July 7th 2020
Ine Van Horen
My heart is bleeding.
That's the only thing I can express about saying goodbye to everyone.
It's not a fear of losing.
But the heart and the body needing to adapt that we might not meet in person for a long while.
Which is the closest feeling to what the lockdown period evoked too.
But when the lockdown ended, we all wanted to catch up. A trip to Balaton, having parties and dinners, beers and coffees, back to normal consuming and spending time together.
Compensating for sure, but also celebrating the end of an academic year.
The feeling that it's temporary.
The feeling of luck and excitement combined with the knowing that it will come to an end.
As we saw everyone through the screen,
Having this memories of each others two dimensional faces
We are constantly untouchable,
that's what I realise when we are talking to each other in bars, during dinners.
We try to express what's in our heads, but as long as we not touch, we are seperated.
For some people the 1,5 metre-society is not a problem at all. In some regions of the world people don't see others for months. But being in big cities, where we weren't allowed to meet our families, but going to the grocery store where we could meet more strangers and could become sick too, you almost would start to hug and kiss everyone around you. I had this feeling already when I arrived in unknown places and felt a bit out of space, the ideas that were in my mind where out of control, but right controllable enough.
I had these thoughts sometimes like: "what if I just kiss and hug every random passenger"
It's called assault, you know, that's why I don't do it, but what with these thoughts and desires in big cities???
I look back on the text that I wrote in the real beginning. I was bleeding too. But I was empty back then.
Low in energy, now I feel fulfilled. Looking back with a healthy saudade.
March 15th 2020
While biking to an event yesterday evening, we got lost and then found out by opening the maps that it was cancelled. I felt disappointment and especially my reaction to it. A little child wanting to cry cause her mother changed all the plans from one moment to the other. It felt like something that happened a lot in my family. And I always tried to deal with it by finding solutions. Or new ideas, new enthousiasm. Looking back on that, it made me exhausted. It still does probably, unconsciously.
We jumped on the bike again and started biking towards the location, just to look around. We got lost again, like we weren’t allowed to find the tunnel. Instead we arrived in another kind of Budapest. Big apartment blocks, and parked cars. Big numbers written on the buildings. Almost all the lights were on, everyone was home. Finally I could see life in the buildings. Because in Pest-city the architecture is only open inside and outside you can only see bricks.
Later we see an abandoned building. It’s screaming for my attention. We stop.
All of the walls are broken, it’s demolished from the inside. There is waste and leftovers everywhere around. This place is not taken care of for a while. While standing there I feel a huge sadness. Finally I can show it too.
Tears are coming out of my eyes.
I have a space in my heart that looks like this. Broken, static, demolished, dark, but bombastic. And with strong fundaments. Almost too strong to be destroyed completely. Now the urge is to take care of this place, it has been ignored for a while. A lot happened during this time abroad. Although the same insecurities such as what with future plans, what if this is not good enough etc stayed. Even when life kept on going. And stuff looked alright from the outside.
I always liked time alone, sometimes escaped for some weeks to focus on studying or rest. But now that there is an obligation, the fear of staying alone is much bigger. It’s right in my face, and I need so much closeness. We all do.
That big space in my heart is a lot of the time causing pain to others who try to come close. Frustrations, anger, distant and even aggression broke down a lot of relationships that could have stayed loving.
Now this time can be used to take care of this space.
To be gentle to the parts that are broken and break through the hidden shames.
1115 Budapest XI kerület, Bártfai utca
The demolished building in my heart is again a bit stronger, and went through the emotions,
really enlivened it,
instead of ignoring it.
Making it touchable.
Following my own advice I gave to friends: "massaging the heart"
And messaging the heart with warmth and tenderness.
Thank you to all beautiful people around
It's been wonderful to get glimpse of your lives and thoughts, and they became also shared memories.
Hearts in the city
11/03/2020, Budapest VI kerület, Epreskert MKE
11/03/2020 Budapest VI kerület, Rózsa utca
26/06/2020, 1085 Budapest VIII kerület, Mária utca
27/06/2020 Budapest VI kerület, Dessewffy utca