July 7th 2020

Ine Van Horen


My heart is bleeding.

That's the only thing I can express about saying goodbye to everyone.

It's not a fear of losing.

But the heart and the body needing to adapt that we might not meet in person for a long while.

Which is the closest feeling to what the lockdown period evoked too.

But when the lockdown ended, we all wanted to catch up. A trip to Balaton, having parties and dinners, beers and coffees, back to normal consuming and spending time together.

Compensating for sure, but also celebrating the end of an academic year.

The feeling that it's temporary.

The feeling of luck and excitement combined with the knowing that it will come to an end.

As we saw everyone through the screen,


Having this memories of each others two dimensional faces


We are constantly untouchable,

that's what I realise when we are talking to each other in bars, during dinners.

We try to express what's in our heads, but as long as we not touch, we are seperated.


For some people the 1,5 metre-society is not a problem at all. In some regions of the world people don't see others for months. But being in big cities, where we weren't allowed to meet our families, but going to the grocery store where we could meet more strangers and could become sick too, you almost would start to hug and kiss everyone around you. I had this feeling already when I arrived in unknown places and felt a bit out of space, the ideas that were in my mind where out of control, but right controllable enough.

I had these thoughts sometimes like: "what if I just kiss and hug every random passenger"

It's called assault, you know, that's why I don't do it, but what with these thoughts and desires in big cities???

I look back on the text that I wrote in the real beginning. I was bleeding too. But I was empty back then.

Low in energy, now I feel fulfilled. Looking back with a healthy saudade.

March 15th 2020

While biking to an event yesterday evening, we got lost and then found out by opening the maps that it was cancelled. I felt disappointment and especially my reaction to it. A little child wanting to cry cause her mother changed all the plans from one moment to the other. It felt like something that happened a lot in my family. And I always tried to deal with it by finding solutions. Or new ideas, new enthousiasm. Looking back on that, it made me exhausted. It still does probably, unconsciously.

We jumped on the bike again and started biking towards the location, just to look around. We got lost again, like we weren’t allowed to find the tunnel. Instead we arrived in another kind of Budapest. Big apartment blocks, and parked cars. Big numbers written on the buildings. Almost all the lights were on, everyone was home. Finally I could see life in the buildings. Because in Pest-city the architecture is only open inside and outside you can only see bricks.

Later we see an abandoned building. It’s screaming for my attention. We stop.

All of the walls are broken, it’s demolished from the inside. There is waste and leftovers everywhere around. This place is not taken care of for a while. While standing there I feel a huge sadness. Finally I can show it too.

Tears are coming out of my eyes.

I have a space in my heart that looks like this. Broken, static, demolished, dark, but bombastic. And with strong fundaments. Almost too strong to be destroyed completely. Now the urge is to take care of this place, it has been ignored for a while. A lot happened during this time abroad. Although the same insecurities such as what with future plans, what if this is not good enough etc stayed. Even when life kept on going. And stuff looked alright from the outside.

I always liked time alone, sometimes escaped for some weeks to focus on studying or rest. But now that there is an obligation, the fear of staying alone is much bigger. It’s right in my face, and I need so much closeness. We all do.

That big space in my heart is a lot of the time causing pain to others who try to come close. Frustrations, anger, distant and even aggression broke down a lot of relationships that could have stayed loving.

Now this time can be used to take care of this space.

To be gentle to the parts that are broken and break through the hidden shames.

1115 Budapest XI kerület, Bártfai utca


The demolished building in my heart is again a bit stronger, and went through the emotions,

really enlivened it,

instead of ignoring it.

Making it touchable.

Following my own advice I gave to friends: "massaging the heart"

And messaging the heart with warmth and tenderness.

Thank you to all beautiful people around

It's been wonderful to get glimpse of your lives and thoughts, and they became also shared memories.

Image Collection:

Hearts in the city

11/03/2020, Budapest VI kerület, Epreskert MKE

11/03/2020 Budapest VI kerület, Rózsa utca

26/06/2020, 1085 Budapest VIII kerület, Mária utca

27/06/2020 Budapest VI kerület, Dessewffy utca

25/05/2020 - Budapest

The calendar read 12th of March on the last day we visited a Playground with my daughter, Vilma.

I had my concerns, but the weather was too pleasant to stay inside. The nurseries were still open during that week, but Vilma was staying home already. Two days later the government closed all schools, kindergartens and nurseries. Vilma’s father is working abroad, and due to the closure of the borders it was impossible to say when he would be able to return. This is how we ended up, just the two of us for the time of the quarantine.

As soon as it became apparent, that in addition to the closure of the Universities, all Kindergarten and Nurseries are shut down, I already knew that my main focus for the coming weeks will be to figure out how to maintain our life and sustain ourselves, physically and mentally, instead of participating in online University classes, Zoom Meetings and working on School Projects. I spent sleepless nights trying to figure out how to make this period bearable for the both of us, how to make up for the missing activities and stimulate my daughter in a confined environment. In addition to planning for food supply and other everyday housework.

Fortunately, the garden of our house has a small grassy patch which belongs to us. Vilma has always been a big fan of the Trampoline, so it seemed like a good investment to buy our own.

I placed the order, and a couple of days later we were ready to put it together. This latter part was the more complex process.

Weather permit, we were jumping on the Trampoline, rode the mini motor in our street and visited Vilma’s cousin, who lives nearby. These were the main activities in the early days. When we went further away from home, we faced an unexpected challenge. In the first couple of weeks, I was afraid to pass by any of the Playgrounds in the neighborhood. How will I explain to Vilma, only a couple of months older than two, that she cannot go and play? I imagined loud and energetic tantrum as her reaction, so I tried to find routes, which avoid any of the well-known playing sites. This significantly reduced the roads we could take.

It turned out later that my fear was baseless. Once I have shown to Vilma the lock on the Playground gates, and as soon as she saw that no one is inside, she understood that we cannot go in.

Our next project was to create a sandbox in our garden. A couple of month ago we inherited an old and used sandbox frame from our neighbor, whose grandkids have grown out of it. With a little renovation, and a couple of bags of Sand, it became usable again.

Soon after the garden developed further, this time with the addition of a chair and table. The spring helped us with its own wonders, we could see every day how the bushes and trees are turning into flower, the arrival and departure of the Green Cockchafers, and the slow motion of the Slugs, after a rain. The garden has another part, still quite jungle like. This is where an old Swing frame is located, maybe the next new/old addition to our Play-Garden….

Tamara Juristovszky

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