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10/07/2020


Ine Van Horen





Summer started already earlier then now. And the opening of bars and parties started here earlier than in Belgium. When I read the news from my home-country it feels like am reading the past.


There were more cases over there, but also politics was making slower decisions. In Hungary it started more strickt from the beginning and now it has the tendency of being very loose compared to other realities.


We go with a group of friends to a rave and then switch to a more fancy beach bar, Kabin.

There are friends of friends dj-ing. I feel that I am not so able to talk to much, but dancing goes always easier, it feels like one of the only ways where I can express myself much better, the words I voice out are more of a mask.


Some of the group are telling that they are tired, or had a whole day of being hangover and working in their home-office. I cannot imagine how to do that without bursting into tears during the day. When I am tired I feel not myself and feel like I cam not doing what i want to do, so then I`d rather sleep for a whole day and choose voluntary quarantine, then coming out of the house at all. One of the guys is from Sweden and he says that he needs a shot to become awake. We end up at the bar and see this image sprayed on the cabin.



Budapest, Zsilip u., 1138


This will keep us following while having our hedonistics life again. We will have our shots and have fun, but in the back of our mind we will be reminded of the last. I found myself spending a lot of money again to be able to be together with people, while being in quarantine I was seeing some people like my neighbour, but we just had home made coffees and cosy dinners self made. The public life expects us to spend.


While my intimate life is based on other things. I enjoyed watching the sky, my neighbour cleaning out his doormat or placing his chair in the sun, reading at the terrace and saying hi to all the neighbours. Now I lost touch with them again... We will see what happens, and how the upcoming life-steps will bring what I really would like to focus time on.



On top of the tag, I found the visual work I would like to keep on making.

It brings alternative maps that can become an island or a sea.



Looking back to old memories when the world was discussing what back to normal meant


8/05/2020


Balcony coffees and drying laundry, the intimate life at Dessewffy utca 39




Walking in the neighbourhood when being a bit nervous for university-work,

but then always finding again why I am here.


Counting the days, 1077 Budapest VII, Wesselényi utca


July 7th 2020

Ine Van Horen

Budapest\\\



My heart is bleeding.

That's the only thing I can express about saying goodbye to everyone.


It's not a fear of losing.

But the heart and the body needing to adapt that we might not meet in person for a long while.

Which is the closest feeling to what the lockdown period evoked too.


But when the lockdown ended, we all wanted to catch up. A trip to Balaton, having parties and dinners, beers and coffees, back to normal consuming and spending time together.

Compensating for sure, but also celebrating the end of an academic year.


The feeling that it's temporary.

The feeling of luck and excitement combined with the knowing that it will come to an end.





As we saw everyone through the screen,


untouchable


Having this memories of each others two dimensional faces


untouchable


We are constantly untouchable,



that's what I realise when we are talking to each other in bars, during dinners.

We try to express what's in our heads, but as long as we not touch, we are seperated.


untouchable




For some people the 1,5 metre-society is not a problem at all. In some regions of the world people don't see others for months. But being in big cities, where we weren't allowed to meet our families, but going to the grocery store where we could meet more strangers and could become sick too, you almost would start to hug and kiss everyone around you. I had this feeling already when I arrived in unknown places and felt a bit out of space, the ideas that were in my mind where out of control, but right controllable enough.

I had these thoughts sometimes like: "what if I just kiss and hug every random passenger"

It's called assault, you know, that's why I don't do it, but what with these thoughts and desires in big cities???



I look back on the text that I wrote in the real beginning. I was bleeding too. But I was empty back then.

Low in energy, now I feel fulfilled. Looking back with a healthy saudade.




March 15th 2020



While biking to an event yesterday evening, we got lost and then found out by opening the maps that it was cancelled. I felt disappointment and especially my reaction to it. A little child wanting to cry cause her mother changed all the plans from one moment to the other. It felt like something that happened a lot in my family. And I always tried to deal with it by finding solutions. Or new ideas, new enthousiasm. Looking back on that, it made me exhausted. It still does probably, unconsciously.


We jumped on the bike again and started biking towards the location, just to look around. We got lost again, like we weren’t allowed to find the tunnel. Instead we arrived in another kind of Budapest. Big apartment blocks, and parked cars. Big numbers written on the buildings. Almost all the lights were on, everyone was home. Finally I could see life in the buildings. Because in Pest-city the architecture is only open inside and outside you can only see bricks.

Later we see an abandoned building. It’s screaming for my attention. We stop.

All of the walls are broken, it’s demolished from the inside. There is waste and leftovers everywhere around. This place is not taken care of for a while. While standing there I feel a huge sadness. Finally I can show it too.

Tears are coming out of my eyes.

I have a space in my heart that looks like this. Broken, static, demolished, dark, but bombastic. And with strong fundaments. Almost too strong to be destroyed completely. Now the urge is to take care of this place, it has been ignored for a while. A lot happened during this time abroad. Although the same insecurities such as what with future plans, what if this is not good enough etc stayed. Even when life kept on going. And stuff looked alright from the outside.

I always liked time alone, sometimes escaped for some weeks to focus on studying or rest. But now that there is an obligation, the fear of staying alone is much bigger. It’s right in my face, and I need so much closeness. We all do.

That big space in my heart is a lot of the time causing pain to others who try to come close. Frustrations, anger, distant and even aggression broke down a lot of relationships that could have stayed loving.

Now this time can be used to take care of this space.

To be gentle to the parts that are broken and break through the hidden shames.




1115 Budapest XI kerület, Bártfai utca



\\\\


The demolished building in my heart is again a bit stronger, and went through the emotions,

really enlivened it,


instead of ignoring it.


Making it touchable.


Following my own advice I gave to friends: "massaging the heart"


And messaging the heart with warmth and tenderness.




Thank you to all beautiful people around

It's been wonderful to get glimpse of your lives and thoughts, and they became also shared memories.



Image Collection:



Hearts in the city


11/03/2020, Budapest VI kerület, Epreskert MKE

11/03/2020 Budapest VI kerület, Rózsa utca

26/06/2020, 1085 Budapest VIII kerület, Mária utca

27/06/2020 Budapest VI kerület, Dessewffy utca















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