where the city is devided with a wall, and the only way to go through is an underground
last month there was still an overload of tags in this passway/
door-ga-ng /go through
now it's all covered with grey paint.
Pest, Maius 16, 2020
Horvat Boldizsár utca- Mexikói út
Ine Van Horen
you place the food in the box
a women covered in a blue mondmasker en blauwe, latex handschoenen
passes by and our eyes cross
she too, although its only by trying to read here eyes
behind the mask i think i hear her say:
"we thank you"
and the only practiced hungarian i can speak as an answer:
"with my heart"
the footsteps are the only sound that remains
de voetstappen blijven over
ik keer de fiets om
the bikes turns around me
the cracks in the wall are there too
like last time, i am happy they didn't paint them all over
zoals de vorige keer, ik ben gelukkig dat ze ze niet volledig hebben overschilderd
hier merk je dat je engelse woordenschat tekortschiet,
want eigenlijk bedoel je that je blij bent
maar wat betekent die blij
wat bedoel ik daarmee
de uitgevoerde actie is vanuit een sociale en menselijke noodzaak
the action taken is out of a social and human force
a while ago i was dating a special person,
i liked to be around him, although we never did special things
we just hang out
we didn't expect a lot
and i was trying to be vulnerable
daring to show very normal affection: cooking for him, hugging, showering, resting, listening to his music, and barely talking about existential or big life questions
the first relationship where i found myself being another part of me
the one that is not rushing
not being overly romantic and wanting to go to restaurants or bars, or making travels
we met each other in boredom
almost too good for me, i never had this with someone
but unfortunatly it didn't last
because i mingled romanticism into this relation, i fell in love
and that made the problem
why do i start to share this?
there was a day we were supposed to meet
and i cooked something, and had a leftover
last minute he was cancelling the plan, because of being hangover
i was for sure a bit disappointed
but then he said: unless you have food.
'you can be my mother'
i replied: 'or a friend'
i am very sensitive for this way of dividing care
like only mothers are careful
i joked i can also give it to a homeless person, who will be maybe more satisfied with it
i can also not disconnect from the fact that i would have normally have a child of four years old now
and this caretaking personae is already there since i helped with taking care of my little brothers, very practical stuff like changing diapers and giving food.
also my other brother helped with that stuff, it's not something gender related
it's how you were dealing with family and caretaking throughout your life.
how much your basic needs are being met, and how much care you were yourself surrounded with
it can be compensation because of missing, or wanting to give back what you experienced.
i was being taken care of from a very young age, my mother changed my sheets everyday
but from a later moment, i was asking guests if they want to drink something,
shifting role quickly when the family grew bigger, fixing the gaps, being responsible
a family as a micro-society
i think about all this stuff while cooking the food
and need to calm myself when i find myself hesitating if they will like it
if i am using the right spices
but then i find some more rest in my mind
and rethink the reason why i am cooking, and then i start to cook like i am cooking for myself
keeping the dialogue vivant, and also a little inside song
when you want to do good
or bring a result, the result will never come
then you are trapped in the opinion of others.
food that's made with good thoughts, get's also a good colour
when the food is made with trust it get's a sweet taste
when food is made with patience the food will not burn
when food is made with attention you only spill it in your mouth
i would have never though this text would become like this, cause i just cooked to give away, but by being in this position of becoming conscious of own thoughts and reasons, i can not not write about it.
since this quarantine made me consume less, i have budget for charity
for something that is more than my personal contemporary nomadic life
if i count all the money spent on travelling, it can feed a lot of people
this way of thinking has no rational base
it's just happening like this, since standing still/stilstaan bij,
and taking rest from the stressful periods last years during university
the focus can shift, because of normal stuff that are shifting
if i would have a child now, all the care would need to go to that special creature
at least a lot
i found out that i will not have children unless the child in my belly will already have more chances than the already existing people
so using this time
being a young adult
to really go for a small activistic life
as in taking action, instead of passive accepting
using the bodily energy
the life energy to share, to give, to create
with the energy i would spent now being a single mother, i use this now for something else
i know it's looking back on what was, and never happened, but it's a way to deal with that decission
to keep on transforming it
it's a key moment that made me think differently about life-choices
when you carried a life inside, a lot of selfish feelings dissapear
when you choose about that life, it makes you think about other lifes too
it will be an endless path of my never physically born child
to find it in other places, and take care of life in other forms.
this hallway functioning as a