under a wall be-wombing

where the city is devided with a wall, and the only way to go through is an underground

last month there was still an overload of tags in this passway/

door-ga-ng /go through

now it's all covered with grey paint.

Pest, Maius 16, 2020

Horvat Boldizsár utca- Mexikói út

Ine Van Horen

you place the food in the box

a women covered in a blue mondmasker en blauwe, latex handschoenen

passeert

passes by and our eyes cross

i smile

she too, although its only by trying to read here eyes

behind the mask i think i hear her say:

köszunjük

"we thank you"

and the only practiced hungarian i can speak as an answer:

szívesen

"with my heart"

the footsteps are the only sound that remains

de voetstappen blijven over

over blijven

about staying

ik keer de fiets om

the bikes turns around me

the cracks in the wall are there too

like last time, i am happy they didn't paint them all over

zoals de vorige keer, ik ben gelukkig dat ze ze niet volledig hebben overschilderd

hier merk je dat je engelse woordenschat tekortschiet,

want eigenlijk bedoel je that je blij bent

maar wat betekent die blij

wat bedoel ik daarmee

de uitgevoerde actie is vanuit een sociale en menselijke noodzaak

the action taken is out of a social and human force

szükség

a while ago i was dating a special person,

i liked to be around him, although we never did special things

we just hang out

we didn't expect a lot

and i was trying to be vulnerable

daring to show very normal affection: cooking for him, hugging, showering, resting, listening to his music, and barely talking about existential or big life questions

the first relationship where i found myself being another part of me

the one that is not rushing

not being overly romantic and wanting to go to restaurants or bars, or making travels

we met each other in boredom

almost too good for me, i never had this with someone

but unfortunatly it didn't last

because i mingled romanticism into this relation, i fell in love

and that made the problem

why do i start to share this?

there was a day we were supposed to meet

and i cooked something, and had a leftover

last minute he was cancelling the plan, because of being hangover

i was for sure a bit disappointed

but then he said: unless you have food.

'you can be my mother'

i replied: 'or a friend'

i am very sensitive for this way of dividing care

like only mothers are careful

i joked i can also give it to a homeless person, who will be maybe more satisfied with it

i can also not disconnect from the fact that i would have normally have a child of four years old now

and this caretaking personae is already there since i helped with taking care of my little brothers, very practical stuff like changing diapers and giving food.

also my other brother helped with that stuff, it's not something gender related

it's how you were dealing with family and caretaking throughout your life.

how much your basic needs are being met, and how much care you were yourself surrounded with

it can be compensation because of missing, or wanting to give back what you experienced.

i was being taken care of from a very young age, my mother changed my sheets everyday

but from a later moment, i was asking guests if they want to drink something,

shifting role quickly when the family grew bigger, fixing the gaps, being responsible

a family as a micro-society

i think about all this stuff while cooking the food

and need to calm myself when i find myself hesitating if they will like it

if i am using the right spices

but then i find some more rest in my mind

and rethink the reason why i am cooking, and then i start to cook like i am cooking for myself

keeping the dialogue vivant, and also a little inside song

when you want to do good

or bring a result, the result will never come

then you are trapped in the opinion of others.

food that's made with good thoughts, get's also a good colour

when the food is made with trust it get's a sweet taste

when food is made with patience the food will not burn

when food is made with attention you only spill it in your mouth

i would have never though this text would become like this, cause i just cooked to give away, but by being in this position of becoming conscious of own thoughts and reasons, i can not not write about it.

since this quarantine made me consume less, i have budget for charity

for something that is more than my personal contemporary nomadic life

if i count all the money spent on travelling, it can feed a lot of people

this way of thinking has no rational base

it's just happening like this, since standing still/stilstaan bij,

and taking rest from the stressful periods last years during university

the focus can shift, because of normal stuff that are shifting

if i would have a child now, all the care would need to go to that special creature

at least a lot

i found out that i will not have children unless the child in my belly will already have more chances than the already existing people

so using this time

being a young adult

to really go for a small activistic life

as in taking action, instead of passive accepting

being active

using the bodily energy

the life energy to share, to give, to create

with the energy i would spent now being a single mother, i use this now for something else

i know it's looking back on what was, and never happened, but it's a way to deal with that decission

to keep on transforming it

it's a key moment that made me think differently about life-choices

when you carried a life inside, a lot of selfish feelings dissapear

when you choose about that life, it makes you think about other lifes too

it will be an endless path of my never physically born child

to find it in other places, and take care of life in other forms.

this hallway functioning as a

womb

baarmoeder

méh

www.facebook.com/eteladokkapok